- Mom: So what do you want for Christmas?
- Me (thinks): Sebastian Stan. THE Sebastian Stan. All I want for Christmas is him wrapped in a pretty little bow. SEBASTIAN FREAKIN' STAN!!!
- Mom: Hello?
- Me: Um...I don't really care.
*kalau Armand Maulana dan Dewi Gita punya 11 Januari, kita pernah punya 6 Februari*
Whoever came up with the idea that time will heal a broken heart never actually got their heart broken. Because as far as I remember it’s been 2 years since I got mine scattered into pieces, and the wound remain.
Let’s travel back to 2008, when everything started. I met this guy, a very charming, good-looking, and smart guy. He was everything I wanted at that moment. We hit it off, and decided to be in a relationship. Little that I know, he was already in a relationship with another girl. That guy, let’s just call him Mr. A, finally came clean and told me everything (or at least I thought so) about his dysfunctional relationship with his other girl, Ms. S. So I did what other girl in love did, stood by his side and trying to make this budding romance works.
Days, weeks, months, I waited patiently for him to end his so-called dysfunctional relationship to end. His closest friends knew about our relationship, but they didn’t know the whole story. They thought I was the bitch, the man-stealer, whatever names they decided to call me. But I stood strong through it all. I was blind, and in love.
Mr. A and Ms. S did have a dysfunctional relationship, though. They fought a lot, broke-up and made-up faster than James Bond’s Aston Martin. And if you think Ms. S was the only obstacle I faced during those years, then you don’t know Mr. A. He loves girls. I actually lost counts on how many meaningful flings, one-night-stands, and casual dates he got when we were together. But no matter what, he always came back to me. I guess that was the main reason why I hanged on.
There are times when I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, and wanted to give up. But he tricked me with his charms. And as you already guess, it worked. I changed my mind and stood by him. Loving him like a puppy under a strong spell.
Came 2010, he finally ended his relationship with Ms. S because she cheated on him with her co-worker. My closest friends were thrilled because they thought my happy ending finally came. He was so into me during that dark period. I never feel so loved before that time. And my love grew even deeper than before. But, being a ladies’ man that he is, it’s hard for him to stay away from the whole dating scene. There’s this girl, Ms. M, that caught his attention. He used to be really possessive to me, and suddenly Ms. M was the only person that matters. Being used to all his conquests, I simply thought it will pass just like the previous ones. But I was wrong. He basically changed into someone that I really don’t know.
When I was so fed up, near Christmas 2010, I told him I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked him to choose me or Ms. M. And obviously he chose her. I was devastated. I cried for days. Weeks. Months. Thank God I didn’t live with my parents. I went to shrinks, countless therapy sessions, and countless prescribed medications. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my closest friends. I struggled alone.
On the outside, I put a mask so people see the happy jolly me. But they never know how I really feel inside. Up until today, I still feel the pain he caused me. I stopped seeing shrinks and stopped taking all those medications. I admit I still asked around about him. Not because I still love him, but because I’m waiting for the day when he’d feel what I feel. Maybe it’s not in the near future but I still believe that the day will come.
So if you ask me, why do I wrote this random story, it’s because I need to get it out of my head. This is the first time I share publicly about this story. It’s not a detailed version, but I think it summarized the whole thing perfectly.
I had few more casual relationships after I broke up with Mr. A. But since I wasn’t completely healed from the whole mishaps, none ever worked. I’m sure there’s someone out there for me though. It’s just not the right time yet.
I don’t care if he read this. It doesn’t matter. All I wanted to do was to clear my head from this stupid thing, once and for all.
That being said, until next time. Happy Holiday!
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
— Chuck Bass of Gossip Girl.